You can find love anywhere if you stop looking upstairs in your head for the answers and observe what’s in front of you. 
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Iceland is a matriarchal society. Women run everything. The Prime Minister is a woman. The mayor of Reykjavik is a woman. The coffee shops accommodate women with babies. Iceland placed first in the World Economic Forum’s Global Gender Gap Report for 2012. It’s the opposite of many islamic countries in that regard. It gives Iceland a wonderful and cosmopolitan feeling.
Icelandic people also read more book than any other country. Indeed my favorite thing during out stay was sitting in cafe Babalú drinking bottomless coffee and reading the Hobbit out of their eclectic book collection.
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“When is this train coming?” Erika said. “The subway in New York is better.”
“I don’t know,” I said. “But let me get a picture of your braid. I love the contrast with it’s essential fragile nature and the industrial look of the tunnel.”
She rolled her eyes. But she turned and gave me the picture I wanted.
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Our being has rhythm. It’s up to us to tune in and bring it into our actions and conversations.
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It’s my belief that humans are not intended by nature to be with the same person for any length of time. But then again, we do lots of things nature didn’t intend. We wear clothes and drive cars and launch satellites into space. I think it’s pretty cool we decided to challenge nature on this long-term relationship thing.
So the question becomes – how do we keep the spark alive against our DNA’s better judgement? Well my friend, that’s a question as old as the the Roman Empire – okay maybe not them since they just diddled boys, but you get the idea. It’s a big question.
The answer is probably different for every couple. But for most, I think it best not to confront mother nature head on. It’s best to trick her.
Nature intends us to have a variety of partners. Indeed there has been significant research that points to ‘newness’ as being essential for human happiness: new people, new places, new conversations, and yep, probably new lovers.
The way to fool nature is to become a new person. When you’re in a relationship try to continually evolve. Easier said than done of course. Relationships have a deserved reputation for smothering individual growth. So, with that challenge in mind, I wrote some ideas to help you become new people in your relationship:
* Don’t feel as if you have to understand each other all the time
Be at peace with some fuzziness.
“Why did you do that?”
“Some things must remain a mystery.”
“You always say that.”
“It’s always true.”
It’s cool to allow the other person to live without constant explanation. Let them be weird, kooky, illogical. And give yourself permission to be all those things. The first step in a new direction rarely makes sense. You and your partner need freedom to take it.
Practice saying, “I don’t understand, but that’s okay. I appreciate that you can still surprise me. Play on.” Ironically the more at peace you are about not understanding your partner all the time the more likely you are to understand each other organically.
* Grow together
Find activities that the two of you want to do together. Erika and I are taking dance lessons together. After each lesson, we discover all sorts of new conversation to share about our adventure as tango dancers.
“I feel Latin. Do I look more Latin to you?”
“Uh, no Wayne.”
“Well, just in case I’m buying a cape.”
* Grow separately
It’s cool to indulge in new activities that don’t interest your partner. I wouldn’t mind taking another acting class. Erika has no interest in that. That’s okay.
It’s also cool to let your partner make new friends. We steal a bit from the personalities of the people we interact with and that helps us grow and become new people. Try not to feel threatened when new people pop up in your partner’s life. Be encouraging. So long as you two practice open-communication you have nothing to worry about. Erika is hanging with some new German and Japanese friends. Am I worried that she might try to re-do World War II? Yeah, kinda. But she shares so much with me I’m sure I’d know if she was building a time machine in the basement.
* Be open to openness
Over time, most couples develop areas of forbidden conversation. They rope-off topics about past relationships, sexual fantasies, that embarrassing situation at the restaurant, whatever. These forbidden areas can grow until they blot out the relationship into nothingness.
You want to do the opposite of that. You want to open things up. You want to feel as if you can share anything with your partner and vice versa. Being open is a beautiful gift to give each other.
You may find it challenging to be open. Most people do. Sharing can come with a pinprick of pain. Encourage your partner to speak candidly and you’ll hear things that make you uncomfortable.
But some types of short-term pain are good for you. What doesn’t kill your relationship makes it stronger. For instance be okay with hearing what your partner finds attractive about someone else. “I like the way her legs look in those jeans.”
“Ouch!” your Ego might say, “Don’t let him think that.”
Just smile and talk your ego away from the pepper spray, “It’s okay Ego. We’re not threatened by of some truth.”
Rest assured, the ‘hurtful’ thoughts your partner may share are passing through your partner’s head whether you hear them or not. Far better that you feel the sting and stay connected with your partner than hear some sanitized Disney version of their thoughts.
Being open doesn’t mean you should share everything with each other: “Honey, I feel an urge to fart coming on.” That may be better kept to yourself.
But you should be able to find a non-judgmental ear if you chose to share anything that you think or feel.
Being able to speak truth, even uncomfortable truth, makes your relationship stronger and allows for growth. It also generates trust. I don’t know about you but I don’t trust people who only says what I want to hear.
Key your partner into this idea. Many times our partner may not practice openness because they don’t want to hurt us. Let them know that you’re okay with a little pain in order to fully know the person you’re committed to. “You can tell me anything. I’m okay with it. I want to hear it. Don’t hold back. Let’s keep it super-real.”
At the same time try not to pry. Your partner shouldn’t feel forced to tell you anything. In this you can only state your preference for open communication and act as an example. Some phrases that can help, “I think it would be great if we know the real us and not the us we want each other to be.” and “Is it okay if I share with you my true self?” and “I’d like it if we have the freedom to think aloud with each other.
* Act as if you’re dating someone new
I’m married. I love being married. But this commitment was made by two different people back in June. Those people have been replaced by new people. These people have to meet, connect and fall in love all over again today – and then tomorrow there will be two more new people, and so on. It’s easy to forget that. It’s easy to become complacent in your relationship. Try to see the person you are with as a new person today. Take it as a fun challenge to seduce this new person.
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Let’s quit comparing bank accounts with the super-rich and instead start comparing standard of living.
Even billionaires don’t live appreciatively better lives than the average office worker. Trust me, flying in helicopters and owning yachts sounds glamorous but pretty soon you just want to place your feet on the ground, be productive and attend a Yankees game like everyone else. By the way a Vespa is way more fun to carry your Christmas Tree home on than a Maserati.
All the best and Happy Holidays.
-Wayne and Erika
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Erika and I made a fun video. If you enjoy it leave a nice comment. If you don’t enjoy it leave a nice comment – no sense both of us being disappointed.
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Erika and I walked into a bar in Silver Lake where we were to meet up with another, recently-acquainted, couple for drinks. We felt excited. We have few couple-friends in our area of LA.
“We’re early,” Erika said. “Let’s grab a drink and wait.”
We bought a glass of wine to share between us.
We sat down at a table and looked around at the other people. I noticed tattoos, skinny jeans on guys, girls wearing summer dresses. Next to us sat a white guy hip to hip with an Asian girl. They were giggling about something. I thought she had nice hair.
Erika tapped my hand, brought me back. “How do you like the wine?”
“It’s good.” I said. “But truthfully, I can’t tell one red wine from another.”
Across the bar a lesbian couple, one white, one brown, teased the bar tender about his accent. As we were sipping our drink, a girl, as dark as coal, walked through the door pulling her white boyfriend by the hand. They found a seat next to an Asian guy and a punk slavic-looking girl.
Erika didn’t seem to notice anything. I said to her, “Why do you think Zanaib and Orin picked this place?”
“It’s close to their house I think.”
“Yeah,” I said, “that makes sense, but I think there’s another reason. Did you notice everyone in here is an interracial couple?”
“You’re ridiculous.” She looked around for proof I was mistaken. She found none. “Okay, I guess you’re right. That’s weird.”
I leaned in and lowered my voice. “Zanaib and Orin are an interracial couple.”
She gave me a look that said I was either stupid for pointing out the obvious or stupid for
just realizing this. Zanaib’s parents are Pakistani, though she was born and raised in California. She’s petite with a starlet’s smile. Orin is Bill Clinton Circa 1988 and shops at Banana Republic – I’m pretty sure.
Erika slid our wine glass over to me to finish. “Funny she’s from Orange county,” she said. “I just don’t picture Pakistani people there. I’m pretty sure she was the only one in her high school.”
I imagined a yearbook photo – the girl’s surf team of Laguna Beach High School – one brown face peering out from a crowd of blonde hair and blue-eyes. “Yeah, I bet it was no big deal though. She speaks with confidence. I bet she was popular.”
Erika said, “Yeah, she’s cool. But I wouldn’t want to live down there. I’m pretty sure it’s beautiful and a nice place to grow up but not my style. ”
I checked the time. Our friends would show up at any moment. “Why isn’t Orange County your style?”
She shook her head. “You’re supposed to know who you are and find a situation that fits. I wasn’t meant to stay in Mexico or Baltimore or live in the OC. I’m a New Yorker.”
“Yeah, I know. Me too, I guess.” I thought about places and distance and how Erika and I came together in Manhattan and how I kidnapped her to come to Los Angeles. “Wait a second,” I said. “Do you think they?… Yeah of course, it makes sense…. We’re an interracial couple.”
Erika gave me the look again.
I drew my hands apart. “Well it’s easy to forget. You’re the whitest Mexican person I’ve ever met.” With her green eyes and black hair, most people think Erika is Czech. Judge for yourself here.
She put her hand on my leg. “Babe, you’re becoming Mexican too, so it doesn’t matter.” This is a continuing joke between us – if you eat lots of Mexican food, as I do, you’ll become Mexican we surmise.
I plucked my lip. “Do you think they invited us here because we’re an interracial couple and this is the interracial bar? Maybe that’s what you do as an interracial couple in LA. You seek out other interracial couples and bring them to the interracial bar.”
“Or,” she said, “maybe Monday’s are interracial night.”
I gave her a look of mock-suspicion. “Do you have inside information?”
“Yeah, the Mexican government sent me. I’m a deep cover agent.”
“Ah, I see. You’re going to make sure everyone drinks tequila and eats tacos.”
“You’re racist.”
“I can’t be a racist if I’m FOR your race.” I think Elaine said that on Seinfeld.
Our friends eventually arrived. They ordered drinks. We talked. Shared stories of New York. Orin, who works in the Mayor’s office, asked me questions about my job. I gave vague answers. No one mentioned interracial coupling. But I kept looking at the people around us wondering what it meant. Should we organize and march out into the streets? Turn over cars? Let’s face it, mixed-race couples are better. We’re more diverse. We speak multiple languages. We have genetically superior offspring. What should we do?
In the end, I guess, nothing but enjoy each other and feel that the Interracial Bar will always be there for us.
Wayne
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I wonder what inspires you.
Like blank notepad pages, pallets of bricks and a hot girl at the coffee shop who I haven't met yet, I can feel the unlimited creative potential in an empty theater. It can literally become anything. That inspires me.
My niece Marie and I tip-toed into the Greek Theater here in LA on a recent morning to explore our creative imaginations. I'm imagining an avant garde play about hot girls who pour coffee out of their nipples. I think Marie imagined a Jonas Brothers' concert on crack.
-Wayne
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