WAYNE ELISE

Hawaii

by Wayne Elise on June 1, 2011

I love Hawaii. It's been a few years since I've set foot on these islands and I miss it. I find the people here a nice balance between laid-back and direct and the visitors are up for adventure.

Walking along Waikiki Beach Erika and I saw a mix of cute girls, surfers and couples in varying states of relationship decay. You can always tell the ones who've been together a long time. They walk apart and they've gotten 'puffy'. I pray that doesn't happen to us one day.

Saw a guy trying to pick up a couple of Asian girls. Language was an issue. I was trying to use mental telepathy to send him ideas. 'Use pantomine,' I thought at him.

In this picture Erika looks at me admiringly. Trust me, it's usually the other way around. I'm dating above my station and she's slumming it.

The guy in the background is about to be hit in the head by a thrown football because he's staring at Erika. I refused to do mouth to mouth. So he died.

'Erika with 26 long boards' is NOT the name of a porno flick. I love the colors in this picture.

Um, okay, this picture makes me want to go to the gym. Damn, with the abs girl! (That's me being black)

There seemed to be lots of Japanese tourist at Pearl Harbor. I wondered if they were gloating. I mean, really, it was a horrible thing that so many people died, but you have to admire the Japanese military for planning and executing such a ballsy raid. But the Japanese I saw seemed to be expressing remorse. I wanted to talk to them and push it. "Really, really, down deep is there just at least a touch of pride?"

Erika could have been a soldier. She routinely kicks my ass.

I like the contrast here.

The memorial reminded me of what sacrifices people of that generation made. I wonder if people these days in the 'me' world could do the same on such a large scale. No joke here other than the fact that this picture makes me look as if I'm wearing a skirt and my legs are underdeveloped.

I classify the Dole Pineapple farm as a tourist trap but hey, we bring the fun. Here's Erika on the Pineapple Express train. It chugs out to the field and back. In that time we learned that pineapples don't rippen after being picked and Mr. Dole was a rich mother f*cker. Oh, and Erika and I annoyed the other riders I think with our pineapple humor. Score one for the bandits.

Don't laugh. This is my new outfit.

Back at Turtle Bay, guess what I'm contemplating and you'll win a special prize. Choices are: a. The nature of man's relationships to the Universe. b. Threesome game. c. Chocolate cookies d. Where I left my Iphone charger

In Hawaii it's cool to eat at roadside stands. I was eating this corn but Erika took it away from me, ate it and then said I better not complain or she'll stick the cob up my …

Yay, we are getting hitched in Hawaii! BTW I think you can tell my ape ancestory is not so far removed.

Old coral. Young legs.

Awww. Such a touching, real-life moment. Erika is immered in the sand and the sound of waves and the task of finding skipping rocks. But we'd rather be on Facebook.

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Test of Real Love

by Wayne Elise on May 17, 2011

Want to know if love is true? Ask your lover this: "If I were magically turned into a rock, a heavy rock of say 10 killograms wieght, a rock that could hear and see but could not talk or move or do anything, would you carry me around? Would you stroke me and talk to me? Would you take me on trips and make sure I had a nice view? Or would you eventually grow tired of lugging me around and put me in a box or on a shelf somewhere and move on to someone more happening?

Wayne

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Wayne Elise with a torch

by Wayne Elise on May 17, 2011

It’s cheap but you can always get attention with fire.

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You too can enjoy The Grove – San Francisco

by Wayne Elise on May 15, 2011

If you're hanging out in San Francisco I recommend parking your butt at The Grove, 2250 Chestnut Street. I find it to be that rare restaurant where it feels okay to either sit by yourself tapping your manifesto into your laptop or meet friends and share a hummus plate. You can chat up the Norwegian girls next to you or you can people watch – it's cool to do your thing here.

As far as the food, personally I love the vegetarian chili. And as you can see, the cookies are grown there the diameter of a fat baby's head. They may turn you into a monster.

The best place to sit if you want to socialize is dead center in the ski-lift chair behind me – you'll know what I mean when you get there. Just hang out there with your wingman, wear your snow googles and chat up the girl next to you, "Are you heading down Avalanche Bowl too?"

Another good place to meet people is where the guy behind me in the white shirt and tie is sitting. I think that's Neil Patrick Harris BTW. As the line to order at the counter gets long on the weekend, everyone has to stand next to that guy (soon to be you).

It's easy to make conversation there, "So what're you having? I recommend the chocolate tacos. Oh wait, they don't have those. I just want them to have those."

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The best exercise to create a sexy body is…

by Wayne Elise on May 12, 2011

I know of guys who workout in the gym three hours a day. Their motivation is of course women. They think that bigger muscles equate to more opportunity with women. “If my biceps were just a little bigger women would find me irresistible,” their thinking goes. Blah! This is such a waste.

Yes, some girls dig big muscles, but the cost/benefits for lifting weights are horrible. Too much time in the gym, expensive protein shakes, can’t buy clothes off the rack, tired all the time from your workout.

Overall, I have discovered that women are universally turned on by muscle definition and having a flat stomach. You don’t have to be big to have that. You have to be tight.

Think about it another way. Women are smaller than men – at least the women I’m attracted to. Standing next to a group of huge dudes a guy might look small. But really, why would you want to spend your night with guys? Hang out with hot women and by comparison you will look masculine. In bed with a girl or two, you have no worry about being manly. You don’t need huge muscles.

But to look sexy, you need to have muscle definition. So what’s the best exercise for that?

Well, this may shock you, but I think the best exercise for getting ripped is walking.

Walking is a nice, instant calorie burner. This is why:

Walking burns calories – equivalent to running the same distance. But you don’t get all sweaty.

Also because you don’t get all sweaty, you can walk to a party and flirt with women and not feel gross. Erika and I walked to Franklin Village 2 miles away last night and I met and flirted with an actress. (see upcoming blog post here). You can accomplish tasks with walking besides exercising. That makes it more likely that you will do it.

- Wayne Elise

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A strange thing happended at the rock and roll barbeque

by Wayne Elise on May 8, 2011

Erika and I were invited to a BBQ in LA. Showing up, the yard was full of rockers who had little in common with us and who admittedly, intimidated me. But instead of just hanging out with each other around the hors d'oeurves like sheep, we dived in socially, made some mistakes, made some friends, used conversation skills and soon a weird thing happened – the sorta famous band Red Sparowes asked me to sing Led Zepplin. Ha. If you can't carry a tune, just put on a show. That's my motto.

See if you can find Erika in this picture. Hint: She's the one wearing black.

I hope the carnivorous rockers don't notice but I'm hiding veggie burgers under there.

What do you call a guy who hangs out with muscians? A lead singer. Ja! (that's my Spanish laugh)

Funny thing about chicks and rock bands. The worst singer gets more action than the best guitar player. Some rocker girl started following me around after this. I think it was my kneeling that impressed her.

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The Sunday crowd at the Standard Hotel – Los Angeles

by Wayne Elise on May 5, 2011

When we visited the rooftop bar at the Standard Hotel in Downtown Los Angeles on a Sunday we found an eclectic group of artists and mystics. Here we have what I discovered was a Swedish 70's pop-group pulled through time and mixing it up with some local folk.

I asked this woman to read my fortune. She just looked down and shook her head in sympathy.

She usually has the best posture but Erika found the Standard Hotel's couches encouraging of a slouch. This is my favorite picture of the day. It captures the vibe and I like the contrasting red bar stretching across the background. My Iphone makes a guest appearance here.

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Erika in fedora

by Wayne Elise on April 27, 2011

It looks better on her than it does on me.

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Erika’s Legs

by Wayne Elise on April 22, 2011

Walking down the street with Erika she turns heads and guys call out, "Mamacita!" She's used to it. Me too. But one day, just one day, I want girls to call out to me, "Papacito." But in the meantime I'll keep admiring Erika's body – especially her legs.

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Eiffel Tower Picnic

by Wayne Elise on March 26, 2011

Best date idea ever for Springtime in Paris. Pick up a baguette, cheese, tomatoes and a bottle of wine and sit on the lawn next to the Eiffel Tower. Keep her entertained with some jokes about French people.